I can’t tell you all how much I love just sitting in Starbucks reading fanfiction or working on a school assignment because it feels so much like home.

My condo isn’t very big:

The green bars are doors. This is a very rough approximation.

And most of the time my door is closed, so the house is mostly quiet. I don’t have much to talk about with my parents because we’re just so different.

[The layout is a bad estimation; actual layout is actually a bit different but this is the big picture.]

Worse, my desk is very small (holds one textbook, my laptop, my external hard drive and a lamp) and so I’m not very motivated to do my homework sometimes. Using the dining table is possible, but I don’t like to hear my mom’s dramas so I’d rather suffer in my room.

Instead, I hang out at school and at my local starbucks a lot to get my work done (excluding current time).

Iced Coffee, sweetened. Grande.

Cheese Danish. Because I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast.

[Yes, my name is Amy.]

Starbucks is the best place to conduct study sessions or just simply to do homework.

I LOVE STARBUCKS.

Right. Yeah.

Crazy? Strange, yes. Crazy, not yet.

I dread Mother’s Day.

My family is terrible with words and while I am more than willing to tell my friends and relatives how much I love them, “love” is not a word to be used in our household. (It is not forbidden, just cast aside as something pointless or brushed off with a joke.) My mother and father, for the love of god, will never say “I love you.” I have never heard it and I never will (not that I really expect it).

But Mother’s Day (and soon, Father’s Day) forces me to face the fierce and unrelenting evil I call reality and I absolutely hate it.

My mother expects me to love her without hesitation. Her reasoning is sound: she has given me life, gave up a fulfilling lifestyle to bring me to the states, sacrificed god-knows-how-many years to ensure my education, given me invaluable social connections and provided me with all the food, shelter, clothing and luxuries I ever need. It sounds all great…until you think about it from a different perspective.

I’ve been paying for most of my school and spending since two years ago and I have never ever asked her to buy me something expensive without promising her that I would at least pay half. (I paid $300 for my $600 computer.) As for clothing, about 90% of my clothing are second-hand, which I find absolutely no problems with, and I rarely indulge in clothes shopping. (I am never doing something like prom ever again. Never.)

In summary, I’ve been relying less on my parents since I was a sophomore in high school. Now that I’m about to being college, I’ve understood that it is impossible for my parents to support me financially, so I am pretty much paying out of my own pocket and dear goodness I hope I find a job soon.

Back to the point. I love my mother…in some ways. My love is not very strong, but it’s there.

I am very tired of people admonishing my lack of public affection for my mother. Leave me alone.

I love her, but I will never confide my secrets to her, ever again. I do not trust her, and I assure you that this works both ways.

In middle school, when I honestly poured my heart out to her and told her that I was seriously depressed, all she and father did was laugh and hand me a knife, saying, “Go ahead.” I don’t hold grudges; I understand that depression is a very awkward topic for Chinese parents and I will not hate them for their values. However, I do not forget and their words stabbed me through the heart and my love and trust for them shrunk. (I’d like to use the word fragile here.)

My parents have provided me with more than I can ever imagine and I will forever be grateful. But they are not perfect, nor do I expect to be. The fact that they believe that they’re perfect disgusts me very much; I don’t think it’s wrong to admit errors. In fact, I believe that admitting ones own faults gives one more power and wisdom.

I love them for what they did, but I will never love them for what they are. They expect me to be someone I can never be (perfect) and I do not know how to get them to understand that they will be disappointed for the rest of their lives if they don’t take their foggy glasses off and look at me.

While scrolling through Tumblr, Beautifulfic said something that really connected with me:

I can’t tell you how many tears this coaxed out of me. Click to see original post.

I’ve felt a lot of shame over the last six years from various people that tell me that I am an ungrateful prat for not loving my parents.

I do love my parents. But I do not trust them, and I never will. My heart has taken far too many blows over the past years, especially since last October, when I began to seriously consider my choices for college. They have expectations that I cannot rise to and now, they think that I’m a lost cause.

Thanks for being so supportive.

But I am lucky, because I do know someone who supports me: my auntie.

She’s my life mentor, my teacher, my friend and (I’ll tell her soon) my mom. Not mother. My mom.

When she stayed with us in the United States, she taught me Chinese and advanced mathematics and honestly, she made me really curious about the sciences and has influenced me much more than everything else combined. I love her, from the bottom of my heart.

Problem: she’s slowly dying. On the other side of the planet. Alone.

Cancer.

Last Saturday, I first received news that she had a stroke. Strike 1.

Later that day, I was notified that the stroke was a result of brain cancer. Strike 2.

On Sunday, my cousins call, crying, telling me that the cancer was migrant and that she most likely had cancer in other parts of her body. Strike 3.

And we’re out.

I was empty for a few hours, then I began panicking. Luckily, I had a great friend who heard me out and even shared a personal story with me and I felt much, much better after that.

(And then I though, if my mother had cancer, I’d probably be sad, but not this sad.)

It’s strange, really. I’ve known my mom far longer than I’ve known my auntie, but my auntie and I hit it off immediately, although at one point I hated her because she made me do so much work (which I am very thankful for now).

To my mother, thank you and I hope that you’ll find what you want in your next life.

To my auntie, Happy Mother’s Day. I love you, and I am coming for you.

[If this sound similar to anyone, it's probably because I made a shorter post about this on Tumblr a few hours back:

Click to see original post.

]]> http://melchama.com/2013/05/13/mothers-day-auntie-over-mother/feed/ 0 mother's day melchama I can't tell you how many tears this coaxed out of me. mother's day http://melchama.com/2013/04/25/4252013-majors/ http://melchama.com/2013/04/25/4252013-majors/#comments Thu, 25 Apr 2013 23:09:43 +0000 melchama http://melchama.com/?p=2158 ]]> Choices, choices. 

I love learning, so having to choose between two majors is terribly difficult for me. I am currently planning to go for double majors, but I don’t know how to choose:

- Biophysics

- Biochem

- Physics w/specialization in Astrophysics

[I know the third one seems like a strange choice, but I completely blame my physics teacher for showing us videos about astronomy and getting me hooked on   it.]

But because my ultimate goal is medical school, it would make more sense to not do two bios (although they are a little different). I guess I’ll have to wait until August to have a chance to talk with my counselor about what I want to do. I’m not sure if they’ll allow me to do a double major, but I want to walk away from college having a broad spectrum and more importantly, alternatives.

I have a slight tremor in my right hand when I get nervous or agitated, so I’m not sure if it’ll be possible for me to become an emergency surgeon. (Fingers crossed!)

I understand that the last two years of medical school consists of rounds to give the students a better understanding of different positions, but I’ve been into the emergency department since long ago and (for now) I don’t think it’ll be easy to change my mind. Well, I’ll just be really disappointed in myself.

Scoliosis from my dad’s side and short statue and tremor from my mom’s side… Yay.

Bleargh.

I don’t know.

But I want to learn more.

I had about $1000 at the beginning of this year. Let’s see what happened:

$1000
- 270 (AP Testing)
- 100 (UC SIR fee)
- 160 (Prom dress)
- 90 (Shoes; first two pairs of non-athletic shoes I’ve ever bought)
- 100 (Prom ticket)
- 40 (Casio watch; second watch I’ve ever bought)
——–
$240 currently

People kept making fun of me about my original decision to not go to prom, saying things such as: “Who’d want you?” “You don’t need to go.” etc.

(I laugh and find these jokes hilarious because these comments expose these people as the bastards they really are. Sweetie, people can hear. I can laugh at these all day, but these comments will haunt you one day and you really want to stop before you drown.)

My main reasons were:

1. It’s too pricey.

2. It’s not really worth it.

3. I don’t care.

The main reason as to why I changed my mind is that it’s the only true high school dance I’ll ever be able to go to so I should just give it one try and get it over with.

But as I near my last weeks in high school, I’ve really given some thought about my spending.

My family isn’t very well off compared to the families of my friends and so I really have to pay for a lot of educational expenses out of my own pocket too.

Worse,

$240
- 20 (Candy for leis and goodie bags)
- 20 (Flowers for staff and teachers)——-
$200

I will not cut money from gifts. I’ve ordered 25 cards and I’ve given a lot of thought as to who will get one. I really want to end the year with bang and end on a good note with my good friends.

I’m going to hand-make all presents except for the cards because I might be handing them out on graduation day or the last few days and there might be a good chance that the parents will see them (aka. I can’t make them as fancy as Shutterfly can).

It was really hard for me to decide who to give presents to (I can’t make something for everyone and I don’t want to), but in the end, I’ve decided on the people whom I interact with a lot and are really good friends. I’ve chosen to ignore some because:

1. It’s awkward with them.

2. I don’t think they’ll really care.

3. They’re not worth it.

In high school, they’re your…

“friends”.

I really do only love a handful of them and I really want to show my appreciation. I’ve met some fantastic people at this school and I can’t fully express my gratitude to them.

But I do hope that at least a few will stick with me for life.

For some reason, people have been asking me about my blog in the past weeks and I’ve gotten some questions.

Q: What is your blog about?

A: Me. And the world.

Q: Why don't you blog about something specific?

A: I do. See above.

Q: Why are your posts so disorganized? Some of them are barely 5 sentences long!

A: Because:

1. It’s my blog; I’m not obligated to follow a structure.

2. What’s wrong with a post being 5 sentences long? If I don’t have enough time to write a full-length post, I’ll just keep it short! And I can count the amount of posts that are shorter than 5 sentences on my fingers.

Q: If you don't have anything great to say, why not leave it for another post so that it'll be longer?

A: Great question, but have you considered that I might not have much to say on the topic, which was why I keep it short?

Q: Your posts are too biased.

A: Yes, because they’re something called “opinions.” Do you get sarcasm?

Q: You can't draw very well.

A: No shit  Sherlock. Thank you.

Q: You should post about ______.

A: I’ll leave that to you.

Q: You're so arrogant! You're not popular or anything!

A: …What? How-How am I arrogant? I give up

Q: Have you thought of posting about Sherlock BBC or Doctor Who? You love them a lot on Tumblr.

A: Oh my goodness, yes, thank you. I will, at some point, but I don’t have a lot of material yet so I’ll wait a while. Hopefully it won’t be a post about how I’ll die before Series 3 broadcasts. Chances are it will be

Q: What do you plan to do with this blog?

A: Uh, write?

And this (^) is why I dislike sharing my blog link with some of my acquaintances.

[This is of my own opinion and may not sit well with you. Please exit now if you are sensitive to this topic.]

First of all, I’d just like to talk a little about my parents.

They grew up in China during the Cultural Revolution and immigrated to the United States so that I can receive the education that they were denied of. My parents are very conservative in terms of lifestyle, relationships and choices. They are the type of people who would “be safe rather than sorry”.

I have grown up in such an environment and I’d like to state my opinion.

I support “same-sex marriage” as much as I support “hetero-sex marriage”. (Lit. Translation: I don’t get it.)

Both:

• state that two people may be married
• two people may share the benefits and protections under the law
• are recognized as legal under the law

But for some reason, “hetero-sex marriage” permits only people of opposite genders to get married, which confuses me. What is wrong with two people loving each other and wanting to be able to officially call their partner their spouse?

Argh.

It’s just that I don’t see homosexuals as homosexuals. To me, they’re just ordinary people with preferences. Who am I to judge?

(I use the terms simply because it creates a lot of confusion when I omit them.)

I can’t wait until we have our first homosexual president. Some people will look back at this era and say, “Wow, did we actually go this low?”

Yes, yes we did.

I’ll just sit here at my desk and hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Hopefully.

PS: The featured image was used just for the heck of it.

Curious, I read his description and went to his Reddit page, where there was a debate about languages v. computer programming going on. I read a few of the arguments, and then became interested in how it ended. Surprisingly, I found a gem at the very bottom:

If you can’t see the picture very well, go here and scroll to the very bottom.

I’m not sure about the first point because I only know three languages (English, Chinese, Japanese), but I do think this user is right. In my opinion, Chinese and Japanese are much more flexible and easily expanded than English.

Skip this part of the explanation if you’re not interested in reading about Chinese characters.

Since Chinese uses Chinese characters and Japanese takes those Chinese characters and calls them “kanji”, they’re essentially a partner language. Chinese characters are interesting because they’re a mixture of simpler characters. For example:

An emperor shines bright because they’re at the top and closest to the Heavens and the “fire” is there as an emphasis. (The reading of just the right part is “huang”, same as the reading of the character shown above. Read more about Chinese Etymology and the explanation of the characters.)

There are already numerous Chinese characters, but because this method of creating new characters exists, it is possible that it may be thousands and thousands of years before the problem of creating new characters actually begin to plague the Chinese. (Same goes for the Japanese, which has two original alphabets and I’m pretty sure that’s going to last for a long time too.)

Anyways…

I think learning a new language is very beneficial today because when you apply for jobs (currently), they won’t be amazed at your knowing C++ or Python, but rather be delighted if you know multiple languages, which is a big “thumbs up” on your resume.

Living in California where there’s a diverse mix of natives, Asians and Latinos, knowing Chinese and Spanish (alphabetical order, not by importance) is crucial to finding a job here. Computer programming here is not as important as foreign languages.

(Moreover, engineering and computer programming related majors are mostly impacted and so don’t worry about computer sciences being ignored.)

I also took a class at my high school (Engineering Technology) where I learned to create small programs for some basic robots. I also had the chance to learn more about soldering (which I had learned by observation from watching my dad).

As the user says above, computer programming will lead us close to a universal translator, but there will always be error because each language has its own unique structure and because language evolves, there is no way logarithms can ever replace learning a new language.

As for the second point, I completely agree.

As a Google Translate user (commonly) myself, I know for a fact that many meanings and nuances are lost in the process of translating something. Some words in Japanese cannot be exactly translated to English and vice versa. Ultimately, you’re going to have to bear with it and actually learn the language to better understand the content.

And I’m sure this goes for all languages.

Funny how a 6-minute video inspires me to write all this and actually do some research.

I completely agree that “creative projects are self sustaining.” [C.G.P. Grey in the video]

Thank you.

I tried searching for an appropriate “thank you” quote to use, but none of them really fit. In the end, I think that this is the best I can come up with.

I have many things to be thankful for. Unlike many people in other parts of the world, I have shelter, food, clothing and luxuries. I don’t have to hike to the mountains everyday to get freshwater. I don’t have to worry about surviving tomorrow.

I have two wonderful parents who gave up half of their lives to bring me to the United States for better education.  My aunts and cousins are kind and understanding. I’ve got friends who stand up to my rants and complaints.

I’ve got so much to thank for and I need to make an effort to make that known.

I really do feel bad that sometimes I’m terribly ungrateful and can be very nasty towards others. I really want to change but it’s going to take a while.

But I’ll change. I really will. So please, be patient for a little longer?

There is no such thing as coincidences in this world. There is only the inevitable. – Ichihara Yuuko

I’ll do something different just for the last two quote challenges.

[Quote taken from here.]

xxxholic is a Japanese manga/animation series that started quite a few years ago and I consider it to be one of the greatest ones that I’ve ever watched/read. (That’s saying something because I’ve gone through a whole lot of series.)

Some people will read this quote and immediately think, “Oh, so we can’t change our fate or something?“

No, no, no.

We can change our fate, but the actions we take bring about consequences that cannot be avoided. As for the “inevitable” part, I think that you really have to watch/read the series to truly understand what she means by that.

This is turning into a recommendation, but I really needed to say this:

This series really changed my life. I learned more about life and fate from this series than from a book or school.

Warning: CLAMP (the creators) love stringing their series together so I really would recommend that you also read/watch Tsubasa Chronicle to understand more of the plot and the history of the characters.

All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon sand.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

My first reaction:

For those in the friendzone, fear not!

Strangers –> Friends –> Close friends –> Relationship

Then again, I’m philophobic. What would I know?

(The reason why this post is so short is because I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ELSE TO SAY ABOUT IT.)

Quote taken from here.