Status

Please contact me through Skype, text, call, or come to me directly

I’m getting complaints that I don’t respond to messages fast enough, and part of me is just so tired of it all. (Because really, I’m not obligated to reply, nor do all conversations require a reply, because if I kept replying, when would I sleep??)

If you need to reach me urgently, please just call me and for the love of god, please do not leave a message. I absolutely hate messages, and I will refuse to listen to them until I get annoyed enough at the message notification that won’t go away.

With text, you’ve got to bug me constantly. I easily forget to reply to someone, and here’s an example: I was talking to a friend who lost something important, and I just broke off because I forgot about the conversation.

If you cannot reach me even then, your remaining choices:

- get someone to get me (make Lydia call me if you can)

- come to me

Dear next person who dares leave a message,

I don’t like you. *presses 7*

Fuck you very much,

Amy Cucumber

( 7 = delete message)

Status

Getting help *sweats nervously*

I’m in an intro to Java class, and my friend from HS who took this class last year is now a tutor, and today, after staring blankly at a piece of code for a while, my partner and I decided to quit because we weren’t going anywhere. (We’re also really tired and terribly hungry…) Before we gave up though, I messaged my friend from HS for help, and unfortunately, I didn’t see his reply until my partner and I parted ways. But I decided to meet up with my friend anyways, because hey, if he’s willing to, I should really take advantage of the small frame of “free” time he has.

And thus a most productive two hours began, and I have more than just a few things to take away from it.

  1. First, he’s a really, really good teacher and I’m sad I never introduced him to Kumon (lol). I think he would’ve been loved by the kids, with the kind of patience he had with me today.
  2. I still have anxiety. I need help, yet I’m reluctant to get it because I’ll be judged by my usually terrible answers and also, I don’t want to be more of a disappointment than I am already, though he said a few times that he wouldn’t judge my answers, but… yeah, yeah? (Oh hey mom, sorry about your daughter being strange and not as intelligent as you wanted her to be. Oops.)
  3. People like my friend are fucking amazing. Period. He reminded me of another friend, Natalie, who’s also extremely intelligent and humble and amazing and just, I don’t know, brilliant? I’m running out of words for amazing… but it made me a bit sad at first because I was looking at my friend and a random thought of “I’m thankful yet sorry he has to use precious time on me” zoomed right by, and that really made me even more disappointed in myself. Sigh. But they motivate me to be better, because after talking with them, I actually feel like I can do something, not just sitting there being stupid all the time.

For most people, skills and abilities were not things they were born with. Many of us have to work hard, or even harder than most people to be good at what we do, and looking at my friends always gives me this huge surge of motivation to try.

But at this point, I think it’s time for me to start asking for help for asking for help, because if I’m afraid to voice my questions, then perhaps the true question is: do I even need a voice?

Anchors – One I cannot do without

I have a handful of very, very close friends, and I’ve got to make a post about one of them because I’ve just suddenly realized how close we actually are, and that I probably couldn’t have made it through freshman year if she wasn’t there for me.

First, we talk about everything. Seriously.

Some common topics:

  • food (mmmmmmmmmmm)
  • life
  • school
  • games
  • failures
  • confessions
  • debates (food, current events[sometimes], people, culture, etc. but we definitely don’t agree all the time)

And she’s just so, so amazing. Yeah, she’s not Einstein, but I don’t want Einstein. I love my friend who tolerates a lot of my annoying behaviors, and always gives me something to look forward to after tiring classes. She doesn’t approve of some of my actions, but it’s because she wants me to do better, not watch one more episode of [insert series name here].

She’s not going to see this (probably), but she’s definitely an anchor in my life, a point of reference when things are different, for the good and bad.

We skyped for 53 hours at one point:

Not doing this again unless it's finals.

Not doing this again unless it’s finals.

Holy shit. That was an experience I won’t forget for a long time, unless we manage to break that record, which is rather likely considering both of us like to study late into the night and all.

She’ll laugh at me sometimes, but usually she laughs with me, and it’s a really energizing thing, bawling in laughter with your friend who’s 5 hours away by car. And we make plans. We make so many plans.

Okay, sorry about this random post, but I was talking to her earlier and I realized that we talk nearly every single day, and overall, ever since I went to college, I’ve spent more time skyping with her (than talking to my parents) + (talking to other friends not in my college) + (doing homework for certain classes). The thing is, we leave skype on while we do things, and we are absolutely fine with that. Those 53 hours wasn’t a continuous conversation. We do usually end it at around 7~9 hours each call. We don’t usually exceed 7~9 hours unless it’s an off day or the weekend. x)

Now, I need to remember to ask her if she got my letter a week ago…

Status

The pain is real.

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From the left: one split in half, top-most of it missing, and the bottom right from my mouth came out without the drill

That was also my response to FaceBook question about a picture of my wisdom teeth.

Dear everyone-who-told-me-it-would-not-hurt,

You fucking liars.

Plotting your ends while changing ice packs,

Amy

Yes, yes it hurts, and no, it doesn’t get better on the second day.

Yesterday, I teared up a bit after my numbing agent wore off, because the pain was blinding. I personally think that the numbing shots caused more damage than the extractions did, because my doctor gave me seven shots, and for a few of them, he had stuck them deep into my muscles, and when I swallow, it feels like there’s a huge lump of spikes that’s permanently lodged in my throat.

The top left are teeth from 2007...I believe? The bottom right were from yesterday; I was trying to clean the blood off of them, removing some dead tissue along the way.

The top left are teeth from 2007…I believe? The bottom right were from yesterday; I was trying to clean the blood off of them, removing some dead tissue along the way.

I would rather go through the pain I felt during the extraction than deal with this. I’m fine with wounds anywhere except: head (I can take facial skin damage though, see: January burn incident), the nether region… and that’s pretty much it.

The cuts he made are surprisingly long, when you think about the overall size of the mouth. My bottom left cut isn’t doing so well – it’s obviously inflamed with white lining on the cut. Infection? I’ve been taking penicillin though, so hopefully it’ll be okay. My bottom right is healing quite well, which is why it hurts less. Not sure about the top left though, since I can’t see it, and I’m not willing to risk pulling in the healing wounds to check it out. Very minimal bleeding.

There’s one more that I haven’t taken out yet, and it’s the top right, because apparently it’s really high up there, and it grew perpendicularly to my other teeth… why, why must you do that, tooth???

Anyways, I’m not happy at all, and I probably won’t be very happy until the wounds have closed over, and nothing is inflamed.

Blergh. I want to sleep for a week, then come back.

Rant: Right, you’re never wrong

Yes, it’s going to be a rant, and no, it’s not going to be pretty.

I would honestly love to shove my mother into a psych office, because she desperately needs to talk to a professional. As she gets older, it’s getting harder for her to let things go, and her temper tantrums last for days, even weeks.

I’ve actually talked to my dad about a divorce, in which I would not blame him at all, but he feels more resigned to this lifestyle, and the horrible truth is that my mom would probably take her own life if my dad were to ask for a divorce and/or if I were to leave forever. Both are highly unlikely, but I’m definitely not planning to stay in this household when I graduate college, and regarding financial issues, my dad said that he doesn’t mind paying for rent and all as long as I’m studying for a degree, or actually trying in life. He keeps telling me how fortunate I am, not because of what I’ve received, but the fact that I’m away from home 70% of the time makes me not a target of my mom’s tantrums.

It’s really horrible, seriously, how my mom loves to push the blame off to everyone (and everything). Pocket dials from her phone? “I didn’t do it, the phone just did it on its own.” …Pocket dials are fine, and it’s not a shameful thing to say, “Oh, perhaps I might’ve accidentally called you.”

No, that’s not my issue though. It’s her approaches to everything.

She clearly loves me, and tries her best to provide for me, but the execution is just…terrible. “Why are you eating so much? It costs so much to feed you.” “You’ve done nothing since break started, you should feel shameful.” “You’ll never repay the debt you owe me.”

I understand that she has her own opinions, and I will not say that she is wrong. She’s technically right, from her own point of view; it’s just that she ignores what isn’t convenient. Like the fact that I’ve handed over almost all of my paychecks, and paid for most of my purchases. Or that I manage half of the bills and all of the health/car- related things.

It’s fine with me, but when I told her that I’m probably going to move out after college, she snapped.

Up until this point, everything was fine. But I’m going to draw the line here and say this is where I shift from being “understanding” to assertive. No, you aren’t wrong and I’m not right, but I can make my own decisions, and the tragedy is that your actions are forcing me out of this household.

No, I don’t want to live here where a question is an accusation, where I am held tightly on a leash, where I am constantly reminded of a debt that I can’t repay (coworker whose kid is in his 20s – it’s not a debt you should repay; it’s a duty, not a credit line), where I am constantly reminded of my mistakes and everything I’ve done wrong. I’ve really had enough.

I’m quite serious when I say that I wouldn’t blame my dad at all if he were to propose a divorce, but as I said: my mom will really lose it if my dad does that.

She just can’t learn to let go of some things, and understand that my dad and I are human beings capable of thoughts and emotions. She can’t hold onto me forever, and she can’t treat dad like a punching bag when it’s convenient.

I’m not angry, but I am in a “whatever”-mode, and generally, that’s worse than being angry.

Loving someone does not make you “right” in everything. What you want for them may not be what they want.

Your best intentions may not be their wishes.

(PS: Feel free to think that I’m an ungrateful bastard, because I think I’m one too.)

700th – I did not plan this

Over 1 month of silence and I finally pop up with an…excuse?

Nah, you and I know that I’ve had enough of those (coming from me and other people), so really, all I can say is:


Yes, that can accurately describe what I want to say.

Jokes aside, it’s honestly been a rollercoaster for me. One reason I got a lot busier is that my workload increased significantly compared to last year, which is why I’m leaving early, rather than working my bottom off till the day I have to go back to college. To be painfully blunt, my wage didn’t increase with the workload (and hours) we experienced, and it was much too difficult commuting to work, which took about 2.5 hours for a 4 hours shift. Worth it? In the past, yes, but not anymore.

I sound like a selfish bastard, and perhaps I am, to a degree. But I can safely say that I actually have the choice of walking away, and that’s what I’m choosing to do. I gave them a 2 weeks advance notice, so it’s not like I’m dropping off the radar suddenly.

Aside from work, I’ve complained about school, but August was…unexpectedly busy. Between 5 days of work and a hangout every single week, I think I can say that I’ve had tons of fun this summer. So. Much. Food.

(I think I spent about $200 in two weeks just on food. Think about that.)

But what was frustrating was my hard drive failing at the end of August. It just. Didn’t. Work.

Short DST failed, told me that one of my updates went wrong and gave me two choices, one which put me in an endless loop, and the other just…blanked.

I really did panic because I am most definitely not going to get a Windows 8 computer now that I’ve had a taste of Windows RT (which is a very crappy piece of shit, I kid you not), and there were very few Windows 7 computers on the market (Amazon mostly).

A good friend of mine gave me one of his old hard drives which worked, but wasn’t really fully compatible with my laptop. Couldn’t dim the screen, make the computer sleep, etc. etc. A lot of glitches, and even after installing the graphics drivers, there were still glaring problems with the graphics during videos.

The funny thing is that today, as I was using Seagate to repair bad sectors on my old hard drive (using an adapter, of course), I just gave up and ordered a new laptop through Costco ($150 off until the 14th! i5, 8GB ram, 1TB, win 7 pro…). About an hour later, the long DST finished and I ran the short DST, and guess what? IT WORKED!

I switched the hard drives and now, I’m happily typing away on my original hard drive.

This experience is going to make me really paranoid each time I turn my computer on, because I’ll be thinking, “Will you fail on me today again?”

Whew. Breathe.

A lot of stuff happened, and in the blink of an eye, it’s about time to go back to college and don’t stop me from being nervous because it’s freaking college. People tell me how great their college experience was, and I can only look at mine and ask, “What about it is great?”

…Okay, I had some great times with friends last year, but overall, I don’t think college is supposed to be “fun.” I hope it’s fun, but I honestly don’t think our systems want us to have fun, and lucky for them, I’ll be buried in books and papers most of the time, so it’s a-ok!

Alright, with that said, congratulations to Turtles for lasting 700 posts (and countless untouched drafts)!

I’m done here for now, but I’ll be back later with pictures and the lot. Later!

Aside

xxxHolic: Kei – Episode 12

The egg scene killed me.

I don’t-I can’t-

Watanuki wants Himawari-chan to be happy, and while he’s sleeping, his strong feelings channel into the egg he received from Yuuko-san, and we hear the being in the egg say, “So warm…so kind…I’m being embraced by kindness. That’s why I can become kind. I’ll grow up kind. ” (I took that directly from the subs.)

Watanuki’s wording may bug a few people, and generates questions about the subject of his wish. Does he want her to be happy for his own reasons, or…?

But if you think about it, he doesn’t have any hidden motive (it’s Watanuki; the only person he’ll ever hate is Fei Wang Reed…I don’t even think he has anything against the spider-lady (even though technically, his actions caused all of this mess). He truly wants Himawari-chan to be happy because she deserves to be happy, after all that she’s faced in her life.

When Yuuko tells her that the price is too much to pay to reverse Himawari’s condition, Watanuki settles. He can’t rid her of her bad luck, so he’ll do her best to make her happy. A partner she can keep, that can be by her side… *sobs*

(And one reason why the egg scene was a favorite: it’s how raising anything works. Kids, animals… Of course, there’s never a guarantee that the being will be kind, but it doesn’t hurt to be kind, logical, and caring. Problem is, few people in the world can actually do that, and there’ll be even less as we heads towards an era dominated by reliance on technology…)

I’ve always liked Himawari, and I definitely knew something was up with her. It’s CLAMP; there’s always something. But she’s definitely lovable. She was blunt with her story, and obviously they’ve all got a crap ton of mental issues, but even with that, they all try their best to be happy, and that’s what so beautiful about xxxHolic, I think. xxxHolic doesn’t really have long, long dialogue, and the pause between lines is very natural, thanks to a great soundtrack (it’s really unfortunate they never released some of the most beautiful tracks in the whole series).

And Tanpopo. Yuuko says the same thing too, that for Himawari, Tanpopo is something amazing because this is someone who will stay by her side without receiving the effects of her bad luck. Imagine if you’ve always wanted a pet, but every single one of them died because of you, and one day, you’re given a cute bird and told that the bird won’t be affected by you… I’d cry. (I did cry, in the confession scene, and the egg scene. Fuck, my eyes.)

That has got to be one of the simplest, cutest animated birds I’ve ever seen. CLAMP really is amazing with their designs.

Here’s the episode on YT if you’re interested. Hopefully this’ll stay available, but if it’s down, please give me a heads up, or head over to your favorite anime site for xxxHolic Kei episodes. Chances are that they’ll have it.

Gallery

Pens, Pencils, Obsessions

I was on reddit’s r/pens, and I thought maybe I could “show off” some of my babies. (Keyword: “some”)

Left to right: Staedtler 925 Pentel Graphgear 500 Uni Kurutoga 0.5 Pilot Opt. (Shaker) 0.5 Pilot Dr. Grip 0.5 Pilot S3 Series 0.3 Zebra Drafix DM3-300 0.3 Zebra Tect 0.5 Zebra Espina 0.5

Left to right:
Staedtler 925
Pentel Graphgear 500 (Link has different color)
Uni Kurutoga 0.5
Pilot Opt. (Shaker) 0.5
Pilot Dr. Grip 0.5
Pilot S3 Series 0.3
Zebra Drafix DM3-300 0.3
Zebra Tect 0.5 (Link is that of a higher series, I think mine may be a bit old) 
Zebra Espina 0.5

Commonly used: Unknown pilot fountain pen Pilot Penmanship Fountain pen Platinum Preppy, Blue

Commonly used:
Unknown pilot fountain pen
Pilot Penmanship Fountain pen
Platinum Preppy, Blue

From bottom: Sakura Micron 005 Uni - Alpha Gel pen 0.1 + 0.2 fine line Pilot - Hi-tec-C 0.4 Precise V7  G-2, 0.7 Faber Castell Grip X5

From bottom:
Sakura Micron 005
Uni – Alpha Gel pen (Looks just slightly different, may be due to use)
0.1 + 0.2 fine line
Pilot – Hi-tec-C 0.4 (Note: always buy the refills, and never a box of these)
Precise V7
G-2, 0.7 (Buy the refills!)
Faber Castell Grip X5

Sakura Micron!

Sakura Micron!

From left to right: Staedtler - Blue + Red Triplus Fineliner Pilot - Red + Green Hi-tec-C Blue BETTER Retractable (Fine) Zebra - Black + Blue Sarasa Clip, 0.5 Red Staedtler Noris Stick Faber Castell Textliner Black Sharpie

From left to right:
Staedtler – Blue + Red Triplus Fineliner
Pilot – Red + Green Hi-tec-C
Blue BETTER Retractable (Fine)
Zebra – Black + Blue Sarasa Clip, 0.5
Red Staedtler Noris Stick (Very hard to find, and that price is expensive, but I love it!)
Faber Castell Textliner Blue
Black Sharpie (No link provided b/c of obvious reasons.)

Different angle.

Different angle.

My most commonly used pens/pencils. Along with Tombo Mono correction tape.

My most commonly used pens/pencils. Along with Tombo Mono correction tape.


And the following are the ones I have in “storage”… fancy way of saying I-bought-too-much-once.

 

 

Yes, that is a whole box of Microns. Yes, Stein lead is good. YES I BOUGHT TOO MUCH.

Left to Right (up to down):
Box of Micron (see pictures above for Micron link)
Pentel Stein HB 0.5
Tombow Mono mini eraser (I have the PE-01A, the smallest. I don’t think they sell these in the US anymore due to the strict regulations regarding PVC. JetPens sells the non-PVC version, but I find it crappy as the sh*t that comes out of my mouth. Heh.) 
Ain black erasers
Pilot Penmanship Fountain pen (see photos above for link)
Hi-tec-C Refills (Check out hi-tec-c links)

 

Yeah...Not all of them are 2B though. I've got a few HB and maybe even 3B.

Yeah…Not all of them are 2B though. I’ve got a few HB and maybe even 3B.

There are two containers full of extra pens and refills.

There are two containers full of extra pens and refills.

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GOLD. I use them as bargain chips between friends, since they don’t sell these in the US anymore, I think. I think I’m going to have a friend in Japan send me a shipment of these babies.

tl;dr: a lot of pens, pencils, and erasers

Oh gods, all that searching… I’M TIRED. I’m probably going to order one final shipment for this year…I want:

Okay. I’m done (for now).

…I’m going to go to sleep, and after work, I’m coming back to make a list for my supplier (this sounds like a shady drug trade…).

Perhaps I should dig a grave for my wallet now? While I have the time?

;~;

Image

2020 オリンピック

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とても遅いけど、東京、おめでとうございます!2020年のオリンピック、楽しみにしています。

(これは昨年、イベントでもらったものです。掃除していた時に見つけました。可愛すぎて、使いたくなかったです。)