苦しみの中で – tl;dr at end

「ヤバイ ヤバイ ヤバイ」は…3週間前から始まっていたけど、ずっと時間(うそでしょうね)がなくて、アップしなかった…ごめんなさい。

いや、二週間に日本語練習をしようと思ったんですけど、やはりできないんですね。。。

完全にダメな人ではないですよ!ただ、忘れる場合は多いのでいつも言ってくれないと必ず忘れます。一、二日後は覚えますが、そのときはもう遅いですよね。

そう、日本語の練習はがんばってしますが、しない場合に普通の投稿に日本語の練習を入れます。日本語が分からない人達にとってはじゃまかもしれませんが、どうか理解していただきたいです。ご迷惑になって本当にすみません。


Summary of the above: I promised myself that I’d write a short post completely in Japanese every 2 weeks, but as you can obviously, that promise has since been broken and ignored for quite a while. In the case I don’t have the time to write a Japanese post, I’ll add a few sentences of Japanese into normal posts, and while I know that’s going to be annoying for those who can’t read Japanese, I’d greatly appreciate it if you would understand my actions. m(o´・ω・`o)m

Alright, that’s over.

Lets talk about what I’ve been thinking about recently…

What do we want from life? What do we want to be? Who do we want to be with? Where do we want to be 20 years from now?

What are you going to be? What college are you going to? What kind of house do you want? When do you want to marry?

Guess which set of questions I think about most?

A few days ago, I made rough estimates with a friend for someone with a $30k annual salary and sharing a 1 B/Ba with another friend, and here’s what I thought might work. expenses

 

(Emergency = Money that must be put aside every year for unexpected emergencies: injuries, unemployment, etc. etc.)

Though I’ve handled most of the bills for years, I still can’t be sure if this is entirely realistic for two fresh-out-of-college students. (Side note: My dad makes just a bit more than $30k and we managed to afford a condo, so maybe this isn’t too bad…?)

I’m so glad I’ve got such a great friend who’s willing to tolerate my behaviors and habits, who urges me to do what is ultimately best for my future (exhibit A: no procrastination or she hangs up on skype). I’m going to be terribly sad when she marries, a man she’ll love with all her heart and walk beside with, and I wish that her marriage will be warm and steady, that I’ll have the right to continue to be her friend and watch over her happiness.

Anyone who hurts her with illogical reasons will suffer first from her family, and then me. I will give you a punishment equal to your actions, urge to never repeat them, and find happiness elsewhere, if appropriate. She may not be Family, but she’s family to me, and there is a difference.

Haha, I sidetracked, but I do love my friend very much, and am willing to do a lot to ensure her happiness.

And that’s the keyword for this post: happiness.

Weeks ago, a friend told me he wasn’t happy here, and I was terribly saddened to hear that. When I thought about it later, I could only nod in agreement with his words: I am not happy either.

My parents and relatives look at me with such expectations in their eyes: a doctor, an intellect, a wealthy educator…

What they don’t understand is that I am none of those. Yes, I sometimes want to be a doctor or veterinarian or teacher, but in end, what I truly want to be is useful and happy. I want to be able to help those who require my abilities and skills, and to live my life quietly, happily.

Or really, have fun with my friends and families.

(Dear teenage girls,

Contrary to what social media and most romance fiction novels drill into your minds, life isn’t all about finding a lover or, dear gods, soul mate.

Not sparkly and lacking fangs,
Amy

PS: 1 out of 2 people have divorces. Flip the coin, see which one you’ll be. Also, have you heard of STDs?)

tl;dr my bestie is awesome, I just want to be happy, romance novels = setting unrealistic standards since 900 BC ;)

Status

Falling asleep on a midterm – tl;dr at end

I’ve been sick for the past few days with terribly congested nostrils and a never-ending supply of mucus, and at precisely 10:38am this morning, during my computer science midterm, I thought to myself: fuck this.

(I did finish the exam, and was in the middle of triple-checking my answers. My paranoia acts up when I think I’ve done fine on a test.)

I really was close to falling asleep though… The congestion kept me up for the past two days, so I was already tired, and I also had muscle pain in my arms for reasons unknown.

[Another issue was regarding financial aid. I saw a bill for ~$4500 on my student account the other day, and I nearly peed in my pants, because I would definitely have to talk to my parents about taking out a loan if we’re going to be charged $4500 every quarter. Luckily, I checked today and it’s all fine; financial aid wasn’t taken into account last week, which was why I saw the terribly large total charge posted on my account.]

I actually thought about not going home this thanksgiving, instead staying on campus to catch up on the homework I neglected these few days I was sick.

But…home. Home. With a capital H.

I’m so tired of this place, of these people…not that most of the people aren’t nice, but there are friends, and then there’s friends. No one on campus can compare to my bestie, though some of them are pretty goddamn awesome. But it’s just different…perhaps I’m judging them using my bestie as a scale?

My little friend group has been making plans, and that’s something to look forward to! (Desperately trying to ignore the fact that winter break is only 2 weeks long—–)

tl;dr fuck this shit i’m going home

Status

ヤバイ ヤバイ ヤバイ

人生は松本潤さんが言ったように、「ヤバイ ヤバイ ヤバイ」

I’m about to walk to a secluded corner of the beach and stay there until time stops and life ends, because this is too much.

Things on my priority list:

1. Health Insurance – Will I be able to complain to a doctor about life next year too??

2. Bills – My credit card takes the blunt of our bills, and since I had to purchase a plane ticket ($315), I’m about to max out my card…

3. Mom’s health – she had a gastroscopy recently, and she didn’t respond well to whatever they injected into her for the procedure. My mom has a terrible habit of hiding her pain, so if she had to sleep for an entire afternoon, it must’ve been really bad.

4. Being happy – It’s really sad how this can never be at the top of the list because, well, life. I do wonder if I’ll ever be happy though…

5. Talking with friends – I talk to my best friend on a regular basis, and we skype a lot too. (Lifetime total is 650 hours of skyping, our goal is 800 by the end of this year, which seems totally reasonable since we skype an average of 3~6 hours. ;) ) I also try to keep in contact with friends who are far away (I found out that I’m getting a care package!!) by mail or FaceBook, but I’m having a harder time trying to stay in touch with a friend in the same college because we’re so busy all the time.

6. Classes – ’nuff said.

7. Scoliosis – I…skipped out on this year’s annual exam, and I don’t think I can get an appointment for winter break, so…oopsies? I’m just worried that it’s getting worse…

8. アパート-The plates on the drying rack sometimes still have oil on them…so I take it out and redo it, especially if they’re my plates. -__- You’d think that girls would be better, but not really. Have I mentioned the fact that our tub has been clogging up quite a bit over the past few weeks? I should really call maintenance and have them unclog it, but because I don’t know if we’ll be charged extra for this, I don’t want to do it, and the other girls don’t seem to care that the water drains really slowly…

Status

Please contact me through Skype, text, call, or come to me directly

I’m getting complaints that I don’t respond to messages fast enough, and part of me is just so tired of it all. (Because really, I’m not obligated to reply, nor do all conversations require a reply, because if I kept replying, when would I sleep??)

If you need to reach me urgently, please just call me and for the love of god, please do not leave a message. I absolutely hate messages, and I will refuse to listen to them until I get annoyed enough at the message notification that won’t go away.

With text, you’ve got to bug me constantly. I easily forget to reply to someone, and here’s an example: I was talking to a friend who lost something important, and I just broke off because I forgot about the conversation.

If you cannot reach me even then, your remaining choices:

- get someone to get me (make Lydia call me if you can)

- come to me

Dear next person who dares leave a message,

I don’t like you. *presses 7*

Fuck you very much,

Amy Cucumber

( 7 = delete message)

Status

Getting help *sweats nervously*

I’m in an intro to Java class, and my friend from HS who took this class last year is now a tutor, and today, after staring blankly at a piece of code for a while, my partner and I decided to quit because we weren’t going anywhere. (We’re also really tired and terribly hungry…) Before we gave up though, I messaged my friend from HS for help, and unfortunately, I didn’t see his reply until my partner and I parted ways. But I decided to meet up with my friend anyways, because hey, if he’s willing to, I should really take advantage of the small frame of “free” time he has.

And thus a most productive two hours began, and I have more than just a few things to take away from it.

  1. First, he’s a really, really good teacher and I’m sad I never introduced him to Kumon (lol). I think he would’ve been loved by the kids, with the kind of patience he had with me today.
  2. I still have anxiety. I need help, yet I’m reluctant to get it because I’ll be judged by my usually terrible answers and also, I don’t want to be more of a disappointment than I am already, though he said a few times that he wouldn’t judge my answers, but… yeah, yeah? (Oh hey mom, sorry about your daughter being strange and not as intelligent as you wanted her to be. Oops.)
  3. People like my friend are fucking amazing. Period. He reminded me of another friend, Natalie, who’s also extremely intelligent and humble and amazing and just, I don’t know, brilliant? I’m running out of words for amazing… but it made me a bit sad at first because I was looking at my friend and a random thought of “I’m thankful yet sorry he has to use precious time on me” zoomed right by, and that really made me even more disappointed in myself. Sigh. But they motivate me to be better, because after talking with them, I actually feel like I can do something, not just sitting there being stupid all the time.

For most people, skills and abilities were not things they were born with. Many of us have to work hard, or even harder than most people to be good at what we do, and looking at my friends always gives me this huge surge of motivation to try.

But at this point, I think it’s time for me to start asking for help for asking for help, because if I’m afraid to voice my questions, then perhaps the true question is: do I even need a voice?

Anchors – One I cannot do without

I have a handful of very, very close friends, and I’ve got to make a post about one of them because I’ve just suddenly realized how close we actually are, and that I probably couldn’t have made it through freshman year if she wasn’t there for me.

First, we talk about everything. Seriously.

Some common topics:

  • food (mmmmmmmmmmm)
  • life
  • school
  • games
  • failures
  • confessions
  • debates (food, current events[sometimes], people, culture, etc. but we definitely don’t agree all the time)

And she’s just so, so amazing. Yeah, she’s not Einstein, but I don’t want Einstein. I love my friend who tolerates a lot of my annoying behaviors, and always gives me something to look forward to after tiring classes. She doesn’t approve of some of my actions, but it’s because she wants me to do better, not watch one more episode of [insert series name here].

She’s not going to see this (probably), but she’s definitely an anchor in my life, a point of reference when things are different, for the good and bad.

We skyped for 53 hours at one point:

Not doing this again unless it's finals.

Not doing this again unless it’s finals.

Holy shit. That was an experience I won’t forget for a long time, unless we manage to break that record, which is rather likely considering both of us like to study late into the night and all.

She’ll laugh at me sometimes, but usually she laughs with me, and it’s a really energizing thing, bawling in laughter with your friend who’s 5 hours away by car. And we make plans. We make so many plans.

Okay, sorry about this random post, but I was talking to her earlier and I realized that we talk nearly every single day, and overall, ever since I went to college, I’ve spent more time skyping with her (than talking to my parents) + (talking to other friends not in my college) + (doing homework for certain classes). The thing is, we leave skype on while we do things, and we are absolutely fine with that. Those 53 hours wasn’t a continuous conversation. We do usually end it at around 7~9 hours each call. We don’t usually exceed 7~9 hours unless it’s an off day or the weekend. x)

Now, I need to remember to ask her if she got my letter a week ago…

Status

The pain is real.

wpid-img_20140915_121121nopm.jpg.jpeg

From the left: one split in half, top-most of it missing, and the bottom right from my mouth came out without the drill

That was also my response to FaceBook question about a picture of my wisdom teeth.

Dear everyone-who-told-me-it-would-not-hurt,

You fucking liars.

Plotting your ends while changing ice packs,

Amy

Yes, yes it hurts, and no, it doesn’t get better on the second day.

Yesterday, I teared up a bit after my numbing agent wore off, because the pain was blinding. I personally think that the numbing shots caused more damage than the extractions did, because my doctor gave me seven shots, and for a few of them, he had stuck them deep into my muscles, and when I swallow, it feels like there’s a huge lump of spikes that’s permanently lodged in my throat.

The top left are teeth from 2007...I believe? The bottom right were from yesterday; I was trying to clean the blood off of them, removing some dead tissue along the way.

The top left are teeth from 2007…I believe? The bottom right were from yesterday; I was trying to clean the blood off of them, removing some dead tissue along the way.

I would rather go through the pain I felt during the extraction than deal with this. I’m fine with wounds anywhere except: head (I can take facial skin damage though, see: January burn incident), the nether region… and that’s pretty much it.

The cuts he made are surprisingly long, when you think about the overall size of the mouth. My bottom left cut isn’t doing so well – it’s obviously inflamed with white lining on the cut. Infection? I’ve been taking penicillin though, so hopefully it’ll be okay. My bottom right is healing quite well, which is why it hurts less. Not sure about the top left though, since I can’t see it, and I’m not willing to risk pulling in the healing wounds to check it out. Very minimal bleeding.

There’s one more that I haven’t taken out yet, and it’s the top right, because apparently it’s really high up there, and it grew perpendicularly to my other teeth… why, why must you do that, tooth???

Anyways, I’m not happy at all, and I probably won’t be very happy until the wounds have closed over, and nothing is inflamed.

Blergh. I want to sleep for a week, then come back.

Rant: Right, you’re never wrong

Yes, it’s going to be a rant, and no, it’s not going to be pretty.

I would honestly love to shove my mother into a psych office, because she desperately needs to talk to a professional. As she gets older, it’s getting harder for her to let things go, and her temper tantrums last for days, even weeks.

I’ve actually talked to my dad about a divorce, in which I would not blame him at all, but he feels more resigned to this lifestyle, and the horrible truth is that my mom would probably take her own life if my dad were to ask for a divorce and/or if I were to leave forever. Both are highly unlikely, but I’m definitely not planning to stay in this household when I graduate college, and regarding financial issues, my dad said that he doesn’t mind paying for rent and all as long as I’m studying for a degree, or actually trying in life. He keeps telling me how fortunate I am, not because of what I’ve received, but the fact that I’m away from home 70% of the time makes me not a target of my mom’s tantrums.

It’s really horrible, seriously, how my mom loves to push the blame off to everyone (and everything). Pocket dials from her phone? “I didn’t do it, the phone just did it on its own.” …Pocket dials are fine, and it’s not a shameful thing to say, “Oh, perhaps I might’ve accidentally called you.”

No, that’s not my issue though. It’s her approaches to everything.

She clearly loves me, and tries her best to provide for me, but the execution is just…terrible. “Why are you eating so much? It costs so much to feed you.” “You’ve done nothing since break started, you should feel shameful.” “You’ll never repay the debt you owe me.”

I understand that she has her own opinions, and I will not say that she is wrong. She’s technically right, from her own point of view; it’s just that she ignores what isn’t convenient. Like the fact that I’ve handed over almost all of my paychecks, and paid for most of my purchases. Or that I manage half of the bills and all of the health/car- related things.

It’s fine with me, but when I told her that I’m probably going to move out after college, she snapped.

Up until this point, everything was fine. But I’m going to draw the line here and say this is where I shift from being “understanding” to assertive. No, you aren’t wrong and I’m not right, but I can make my own decisions, and the tragedy is that your actions are forcing me out of this household.

No, I don’t want to live here where a question is an accusation, where I am held tightly on a leash, where I am constantly reminded of a debt that I can’t repay (coworker whose kid is in his 20s – it’s not a debt you should repay; it’s a duty, not a credit line), where I am constantly reminded of my mistakes and everything I’ve done wrong. I’ve really had enough.

I’m quite serious when I say that I wouldn’t blame my dad at all if he were to propose a divorce, but as I said: my mom will really lose it if my dad does that.

She just can’t learn to let go of some things, and understand that my dad and I are human beings capable of thoughts and emotions. She can’t hold onto me forever, and she can’t treat dad like a punching bag when it’s convenient.

I’m not angry, but I am in a “whatever”-mode, and generally, that’s worse than being angry.

Loving someone does not make you “right” in everything. What you want for them may not be what they want.

Your best intentions may not be their wishes.

(PS: Feel free to think that I’m an ungrateful bastard, because I think I’m one too.)

700th – I did not plan this

Over 1 month of silence and I finally pop up with an…excuse?

Nah, you and I know that I’ve had enough of those (coming from me and other people), so really, all I can say is:


Yes, that can accurately describe what I want to say.

Jokes aside, it’s honestly been a rollercoaster for me. One reason I got a lot busier is that my workload increased significantly compared to last year, which is why I’m leaving early, rather than working my bottom off till the day I have to go back to college. To be painfully blunt, my wage didn’t increase with the workload (and hours) we experienced, and it was much too difficult commuting to work, which took about 2.5 hours for a 4 hours shift. Worth it? In the past, yes, but not anymore.

I sound like a selfish bastard, and perhaps I am, to a degree. But I can safely say that I actually have the choice of walking away, and that’s what I’m choosing to do. I gave them a 2 weeks advance notice, so it’s not like I’m dropping off the radar suddenly.

Aside from work, I’ve complained about school, but August was…unexpectedly busy. Between 5 days of work and a hangout every single week, I think I can say that I’ve had tons of fun this summer. So. Much. Food.

(I think I spent about $200 in two weeks just on food. Think about that.)

But what was frustrating was my hard drive failing at the end of August. It just. Didn’t. Work.

Short DST failed, told me that one of my updates went wrong and gave me two choices, one which put me in an endless loop, and the other just…blanked.

I really did panic because I am most definitely not going to get a Windows 8 computer now that I’ve had a taste of Windows RT (which is a very crappy piece of shit, I kid you not), and there were very few Windows 7 computers on the market (Amazon mostly).

A good friend of mine gave me one of his old hard drives which worked, but wasn’t really fully compatible with my laptop. Couldn’t dim the screen, make the computer sleep, etc. etc. A lot of glitches, and even after installing the graphics drivers, there were still glaring problems with the graphics during videos.

The funny thing is that today, as I was using Seagate to repair bad sectors on my old hard drive (using an adapter, of course), I just gave up and ordered a new laptop through Costco ($150 off until the 14th! i5, 8GB ram, 1TB, win 7 pro…). About an hour later, the long DST finished and I ran the short DST, and guess what? IT WORKED!

I switched the hard drives and now, I’m happily typing away on my original hard drive.

This experience is going to make me really paranoid each time I turn my computer on, because I’ll be thinking, “Will you fail on me today again?”

Whew. Breathe.

A lot of stuff happened, and in the blink of an eye, it’s about time to go back to college and don’t stop me from being nervous because it’s freaking college. People tell me how great their college experience was, and I can only look at mine and ask, “What about it is great?”

…Okay, I had some great times with friends last year, but overall, I don’t think college is supposed to be “fun.” I hope it’s fun, but I honestly don’t think our systems want us to have fun, and lucky for them, I’ll be buried in books and papers most of the time, so it’s a-ok!

Alright, with that said, congratulations to Turtles for lasting 700 posts (and countless untouched drafts)!

I’m done here for now, but I’ll be back later with pictures and the lot. Later!

Aside

xxxHolic: Kei – Episode 12

The egg scene killed me.

I don’t-I can’t-

Watanuki wants Himawari-chan to be happy, and while he’s sleeping, his strong feelings channel into the egg he received from Yuuko-san, and we hear the being in the egg say, “So warm…so kind…I’m being embraced by kindness. That’s why I can become kind. I’ll grow up kind. ” (I took that directly from the subs.)

Watanuki’s wording may bug a few people, and generates questions about the subject of his wish. Does he want her to be happy for his own reasons, or…?

But if you think about it, he doesn’t have any hidden motive (it’s Watanuki; the only person he’ll ever hate is Fei Wang Reed…I don’t even think he has anything against the spider-lady (even though technically, his actions caused all of this mess). He truly wants Himawari-chan to be happy because she deserves to be happy, after all that she’s faced in her life.

When Yuuko tells her that the price is too much to pay to reverse Himawari’s condition, Watanuki settles. He can’t rid her of her bad luck, so he’ll do her best to make her happy. A partner she can keep, that can be by her side… *sobs*

(And one reason why the egg scene was a favorite: it’s how raising anything works. Kids, animals… Of course, there’s never a guarantee that the being will be kind, but it doesn’t hurt to be kind, logical, and caring. Problem is, few people in the world can actually do that, and there’ll be even less as we heads towards an era dominated by reliance on technology…)

I’ve always liked Himawari, and I definitely knew something was up with her. It’s CLAMP; there’s always something. But she’s definitely lovable. She was blunt with her story, and obviously they’ve all got a crap ton of mental issues, but even with that, they all try their best to be happy, and that’s what so beautiful about xxxHolic, I think. xxxHolic doesn’t really have long, long dialogue, and the pause between lines is very natural, thanks to a great soundtrack (it’s really unfortunate they never released some of the most beautiful tracks in the whole series).

And Tanpopo. Yuuko says the same thing too, that for Himawari, Tanpopo is something amazing because this is someone who will stay by her side without receiving the effects of her bad luck. Imagine if you’ve always wanted a pet, but every single one of them died because of you, and one day, you’re given a cute bird and told that the bird won’t be affected by you… I’d cry. (I did cry, in the confession scene, and the egg scene. Fuck, my eyes.)

That has got to be one of the simplest, cutest animated birds I’ve ever seen. CLAMP really is amazing with their designs.

Here’s the episode on YT if you’re interested. Hopefully this’ll stay available, but if it’s down, please give me a heads up, or head over to your favorite anime site for xxxHolic Kei episodes. Chances are that they’ll have it.