Ikanaide (Don’t Go)

I’ve been really tired lately.

A combination of too much self-reflection and overload of stress is quite literally killing me right now. I feel that in the past year, I’ve gone from:

  1. Knowing that I’m depressed, and trying to get better
  2. Knowing that I’m depressed, and not caring about it anymore because who cares about this piece of shit, right?

I don’t even know where I messed up. I don’t know what went wrong.

Is this because I’m still in denial that childhood mental and physical abuse really fucked me up?
Why must I punish myself after enjoying a nice day with friends? Why do I believe that I don’t deserve happiness?

Why am I forcing myself to relive the past everyday instead of accepting it?

I think if someone were to offer me a pill, and tell me that this pill will allow me to sleep forever, I’d take it. If it’s 100% effective, I’d do it. I’m so tired.

All I want to do is just snuggle up with someone in my bed and sleep for half a day or something. See, I’m a sucker for physical affection because I didn’t get much of that, so whatever I can get from my friends (hugs, sitting next to each other, arms around our shoulders, etc.), I’ll gladly take it.

I’m just so insanely happy that there are people who care about me. 10 years ago, I thought I’d be alone for most of my life (my parents worked long shifts so I pretty much only saw them in the mornings and weekends). Now, I’m definitely not alone. 10 years from now, I hope I’m not alone.

Don’t leave. Please.

Goodbye, my 3TB external hard drive…I miss you lots

My Seagate 3TB was accidentally disconnected on Sunday night as I was watching Game of Thrones, and since then, it’s went from “Seagate Backup” to “Local Drive,” and no amount of work on my part has gotten me access to the drive. I tried looking for quotes from data recovery places, but honestly, I didn’t lose anything that I’d miss for the rest of my life. It was mostly torrented anime/shows, soundtrack collections, homework, pictures.

What I really miss:

– my family pictures that I scanned
– my work from high school and middle school
– all the time I spent torrenting those files…I built huge collections, DETECTIVE CONAN WAS LIKE 500GB

Am I sad? OF COURSE. Am I getting over it? Absolutely. I’m already looking at a passport drive to buy, and uh, maybe buy two even, because you can never be too sure.

RIP Seagate 3TB 4/6/2015

Maybe one day it'll work again...

Maybe one day it’ll work again…

Depression – security blanket gone wrong

Who can get depressed? Anybody. Anytime. Anywhere. For no reason, even.

I think of it this way:

Depression to me is like a security blanket. It’s warm, it’s comfy, and I start to drag it everywhere. I don’t notice the wear and tear at first, but when I look down, the blanket has dark patches here and there, and the ends are ragged. I’m unhappy, but because it’s still a bit warm, I continue to hold it tight against myself.

But after a while, I’m really bothered by how dirty and torn the blanket is, and as I attempt to take it off, I look at the people around me, and I’m suddenly embarrassed and scared that maybe, just maybe, I’m just as dirty underneath the blanket. The uncertainty grows stronger day after day, and even when the blanket is wet, stinky, and absolutely flithy, I don’t want to take it off, because what if what’s under is even dirtier?

The problem is that I don’t know how to take care of myself or my blanket, and that’s what I have to learn. I can, and will be dirty, but I don’t have to stay that way. Getting dirty is natural, it shouldn’t be something that I’m afraid of. I don’t have to look at other people and compare myself to them, I am who I am.

I can take showers, I can wash the blanket, other people don’t matter – I need to believe in these things.

Depression can visit, but can’t stay.

Progress (?)

I am slightly scared, but mostly at peace with myself at the moment.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things: friendships, quality of my relationships with other people, my future, the present…

To be completely honest, I can’t see myself not being slightly depressed for the rest of my life. I don’t think that element’s going to change, and I think it’s fine to be that way too, you know? Things don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to be happy all the time.

One thing that still bothered me for a while was something that a former roommate said to me, that I always made myself to be the victim in any situation.

Only recently have I been able to tell myself firmly that that’s not true. For a long time, I was really terrified. Is this who I really am? Someone who takes advantage of and twists a situation to my benefit by making myself to be the victim? Do I want the pity that people give me?

I am finally able to tell myself that no, I dislike pity (receiving or giving), and it’s absolutely stupid for me to believe that I “make” myself to be the victim in certain situations. I thought about it even more, and it sounded even more disgusting to me. because if I had actually believed that I was “pretending” to be the victim while I was actually suffering from something, then my problems would’ve gone unnoticed. I wouldn’t be able to be treated. It’s essentially the same as having migraines and complaining about that to someone, and being told that it’s just all “in my head” and I shouldn’t use that as an excuse to get out of events and stuff.

I’m also starting to reevaluate the relationships I hold, and starting to see that I can take a step back in some of them. I shouldn’t be telling this person that much if I don’t really trust this person, or if I feel that I’m giving (telling him/her my problems, issues, etc.) too much, I’m going to say less, because well, it’s not that they can’t help with my problems, it’s just that they don’t even know where to being processing the problem and every time I end up with a lot of general advice that I just get really tired of hearing.


Not fun.

And I love that face so much.


Getting rid of addictions

I am 150% addicted to the internet, and I’m finally taking baby steps to remedy that.

Things that are ruining my life:

  • Reddit
  • Tumblr
  • Youtube (hours and hours of video watching…)

It doesn’t seem bad, right? But I now spend about 1~2 hours on Reddit everyday, and if you think about it, that means that I’m spending 14 hours on that god forsaken site every week. 14 hours.

Finally installed Rescue Time after over 2 years of inactivity…It’s really sad how a lot of the functions that were present when I used it are categorized under “premium services” now…I could benefit from some of the old options that were free, and I’m definitely not going to pay $72 per year for those services.

I’m getting in the habit of making schedules, and it’s amazing how just making schedules has changed me. Yeah, sure, I don’t follow them 70% of the time, but I’m now in the habit of making schedules, and so even when I’m not following them, I’m always aware of what I could be doing, and the result is a breaking point: I need to fucking get my shit together.

I need to grow out of this drama queen stage…

Real time: pounding migraine

It’s 4:32am, I’m on my bed after finishing pasta and three episodes of coffee price with my suitemate. For the past four hours, a small headache developed into a pounding, dizzy migraine, and before I sleep, I have to say that I REALLY HATE MIGRAINES AND AT THE MOMENT, I WISH I COULD DIE IN MY SLEEP SO I WON’T EXPERIENCE THIS AGAIN.

I said less saying, but ugh, FUCK THIS!


Another year, 今年もよろしくお願いします

I know it’s not a special day, but today is the anniversary of my site registration, so I thought I’d make a post. I mean, what made me want to register for a random site name anyways?

But first, play this video to go along with the post!

I’m not a daily (or even weekly) blogger, but when I did make a post, I made sure the post was filled with information or interesting thoughts I had. For a while, my blog became a secret base for me; only I knew about it, and no one would ever find me here. It was (still is) a place where I could be who I was, let all my inner frustrations out.

I also wanted to put my life into words for myself to look back upon. It’s absolutely embarrassing, but I can’t help but appreciate the changes that I’ve seen.

When I made the site registration, I felt more real on the internet, that yes, I do exist. It’s really strange and confusing and I definitely think that a lot of people will think that’s silly, but for the me who was alone, being able to type and be redirected here gave me a swell of pride and satisfaction.

It was at least one thing I could call mine.

(No, don’t tell me how it’s actually not mine because Reddit did a very good job of that already, and ugh, figuratively!!)


My counselor’s reaction to my past and my issues:

  • horrified face
  • gasps
  • sniffles
  • “Oh god”

I SWEAR I WAS RAISED IN A RATHER NORMAL HOUSEHOLD. Or well, that’s what I thought. Anyways, went to first appointment today, I don’t know how much this will cost me, I’m tempted to make an appointment with my therapist here in San Diego too, just so that I can have constant access to people who can provide help on what I can do with my life.

I feel a bit better though, now that I know that currently I just mostly have to deal with my anxiety.

I’ll get better.

January – Wow!

[Before I begin, I’d like to mention that I was actually working on a post about Myers Briggs types, but apparently WordPress didn’t autosave my draft for me, I’m not sure if I’ll go back on that 2000~3000 word draft…Thank you to all the friends who were willing to take the test for me and provide me with feedback on their type!]

January was (is?) a crazy ride.

I started on three medications in two different forms (pills, ointment), I’m seriously reconsidering restarting therapy, I fall out of a little crush I had…Less than 4 weeks into this year and I have a feeling 2015 will be interesting for sure.

There are things I don’t want to say yet because unfortunately, I’m still not sure how I feel about it, and that I don’t feel safe enough to say it yet. I will! Just not today, and probably not the first half of this year.

I haven’t been feeling well. Physically and emotionally. I wake up most mornings feeling like I have a fever, I get migraines even more often now (second bottle of advil…), and I was just told that my dad’s family has a history of strokes, blood clots, and high blood pressure. One of the medications I’m taking poses a risk for people with a history like my own, so I’m hoping that I don’t get any of the terrible side effects. Meep!

I will probably restart therapy this quarter. I’ll be calling in tomorrow to the office I went to last year to continue treatment. “Treatment.” Like there’s something wrong with me. I was talking to a friend just a few days ago, and I told him that I’m the sacrifice type, that as long as I’m useful to someone in some way I’m fine with being taken advantage of. He told me that that’s a shit ideal, and I completely agree. I’m either going to have to grow out of this mindset or watch myself self destruct. Funny enough, a friend I have is helping me grow out of it by making me realize that no matter how nice you try to be to people, most people will still treat you like assholes.

I have depression. I’ve been avoiding this for a long time, but I can’t avoid it any longer.
(I might even have anxiety mixed in there too.)

I want to be happy. I want to feel the happiness not just in my smile, but seeping deep into myself, to my heart. I want to cry freely, when I’m watching a sad movie, or I’ve just been handed great news. I want to be able to say “no,” not just tell myself that this is all I’m good for, that it’s alright to bend over for other people.

I want to love myself, and spread this love to my friends and family, to the girl who just bought a textbook from me, to the upperclassman who games with me sometimes, even to the people who don’t care about my feelings when they say hurtful things… I’d like to be able to look back at myself ten years from now and say, “I’m a different person now,” and look at the past in fondness.

“I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”



wpid-snapchat-2887326718465324321.jpgAs I sit here at gate 54A, around the Virgin America gates, I am suddenly reluctant to go back to SD for one reason: SD International Airport is the equivalent of what comes out my other end after food poisoning and three onions (not that I’ve experienced that).

Also, people here are really fancy. The ways they dress reek of money.

*tries to inhale as much air as I can* GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!!!

My friend told me that I’m rich for having yakiniku three times in two weeks. It’s probably an exaggeration, but I felt a vein twitch at that: how is that expensive? First time I had it, my friend was with me and we each paid $24. Second time was with coworker, and our total was $30, so $15 each. Today, I had $93 (tip added) with my parents, who were very concerned as to whether I was full or not. (Mom, after a bowl of rice, 6 plates of meat, I am most definitely full (of shit))

No, I don’t think that really means “rich,” though compared to many other people in the world, I probably am.

When I saw that text, I went “uh-huh…” with the yeah/sure attitude because she has bags worth three digits and all.


Okay, enough ranting. I’m sometimes compared to Martin Freeman, with all the frustrations I have pent up within me. *proceeds to sing Let It Go, full Technicolor and all in the middle of the airport, in my head…*

I have to admit, Virgin is expensive, but the waiting areas are so comfortable and the service is just great. I hope I’ll always be able to fly Virgin…

It’s 6:51pm, and I believe boarding time is 7:25.

The countdown to boarding time is excruciating. I’m nervous about returning to SD, yet I’m really excited at the same time? (Haha, the friend I’m meeting up with tomorrow probably disagrees with me though.)

It’s one minute before 7pm, and I’m ready to stuff my surface into my bag and walk into the plane…if they would let me!

Funny side note: I have this one friend at UOP, and our only form of communication is through Snapchat. ONLY snapchat.

7:04pm – When will I board my plane and get back to the dorms? I have an 8am class tomorrow…

7:10pm -Time to go get some water for the flight. Goodbye!