Progress (?)

I am slightly scared, but mostly at peace with myself at the moment.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things: friendships, quality of my relationships with other people, my future, the present…

To be completely honest, I can’t see myself not being slightly depressed for the rest of my life. I don’t think that element’s going to change, and I think it’s fine to be that way too, you know? Things don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to be happy all the time.

One thing that still bothered me for a while was something that a former roommate said to me, that I always made myself to be the victim in any situation.

Only recently have I been able to tell myself firmly that that’s not true. For a long time, I was really terrified. Is this who I really am? Someone who takes advantage of and twists a situation to my benefit by making myself to be the victim? Do I want the pity that people give me?

I am finally able to tell myself that no, I dislike pity (receiving or giving), and it’s absolutely stupid for me to believe that I “make” myself to be the victim in certain situations. I thought about it even more, and it sounded even more disgusting to me. because if I had actually believed that I was “pretending” to be the victim while I was actually suffering from something, then my problems would’ve gone unnoticed. I wouldn’t be able to be treated. It’s essentially the same as having migraines and complaining about that to someone, and being told that it’s just all “in my head” and I shouldn’t use that as an excuse to get out of events and stuff.

I’m also starting to reevaluate the relationships I hold, and starting to see that I can take a step back in some of them. I shouldn’t be telling this person that much if I don’t really trust this person, or if I feel that I’m giving (telling him/her my problems, issues, etc.) too much, I’m going to say less, because well, it’s not that they can’t help with my problems, it’s just that they don’t even know where to being processing the problem and every time I end up with a lot of general advice that I just get really tired of hearing.

:/

Not fun.

And I love that face so much.

Toodles!

Getting rid of addictions

I am 150% addicted to the internet, and I’m finally taking baby steps to remedy that.

Things that are ruining my life:

  • Reddit
  • Tumblr
  • Youtube (hours and hours of video watching…)

It doesn’t seem bad, right? But I now spend about 1~2 hours on Reddit everyday, and if you think about it, that means that I’m spending 14 hours on that god forsaken site every week. 14 hours.

Finally installed Rescue Time after over 2 years of inactivity…It’s really sad how a lot of the functions that were present when I used it are categorized under “premium services” now…I could benefit from some of the old options that were free, and I’m definitely not going to pay $72 per year for those services.

I’m getting in the habit of making schedules, and it’s amazing how just making schedules has changed me. Yeah, sure, I don’t follow them 70% of the time, but I’m now in the habit of making schedules, and so even when I’m not following them, I’m always aware of what I could be doing, and the result is a breaking point: I need to fucking get my shit together.

I need to grow out of this drama queen stage…

Real time: pounding migraine

It’s 4:32am, I’m on my bed after finishing pasta and three episodes of coffee price with my suitemate. For the past four hours, a small headache developed into a pounding, dizzy migraine, and before I sleep, I have to say that I REALLY HATE MIGRAINES AND AT THE MOMENT, I WISH I COULD DIE IN MY SLEEP SO I WON’T EXPERIENCE THIS AGAIN.

I said less saying, but ugh, FUCK THIS!

Status

Another year, 今年もよろしくお願いします

I know it’s not a special day, but today is the anniversary of my site registration, so I thought I’d make a post. I mean, what made me want to register for a random site name anyways?

But first, play this video to go along with the post!

I’m not a daily (or even weekly) blogger, but when I did make a post, I made sure the post was filled with information or interesting thoughts I had. For a while, my blog became a secret base for me; only I knew about it, and no one would ever find me here. It was (still is) a place where I could be who I was, let all my inner frustrations out.

I also wanted to put my life into words for myself to look back upon. It’s absolutely embarrassing, but I can’t help but appreciate the changes that I’ve seen.

When I made the site registration, I felt more real on the internet, that yes, I do exist. It’s really strange and confusing and I definitely think that a lot of people will think that’s silly, but for the me who was alone, being able to type melchama.com and be redirected here gave me a swell of pride and satisfaction.

It was at least one thing I could call mine.

(No, don’t tell me how it’s actually not mine because Reddit did a very good job of that already, and ugh, figuratively!!)

What.

My counselor’s reaction to my past and my issues:

  • horrified face
  • gasps
  • sniffles
  • “Oh god”

I SWEAR I WAS RAISED IN A RATHER NORMAL HOUSEHOLD. Or well, that’s what I thought. Anyways, went to first appointment today, I don’t know how much this will cost me, I’m tempted to make an appointment with my therapist here in San Diego too, just so that I can have constant access to people who can provide help on what I can do with my life.

I feel a bit better though, now that I know that currently I just mostly have to deal with my anxiety.

I’ll get better.

January – Wow!

[Before I begin, I’d like to mention that I was actually working on a post about Myers Briggs types, but apparently WordPress didn’t autosave my draft for me, I’m not sure if I’ll go back on that 2000~3000 word draft…Thank you to all the friends who were willing to take the test for me and provide me with feedback on their type!]

January was (is?) a crazy ride.

I started on three medications in two different forms (pills, ointment), I’m seriously reconsidering restarting therapy, I fall out of a little crush I had…Less than 4 weeks into this year and I have a feeling 2015 will be interesting for sure.

There are things I don’t want to say yet because unfortunately, I’m still not sure how I feel about it, and that I don’t feel safe enough to say it yet. I will! Just not today, and probably not the first half of this year.

I haven’t been feeling well. Physically and emotionally. I wake up most mornings feeling like I have a fever, I get migraines even more often now (second bottle of advil…), and I was just told that my dad’s family has a history of strokes, blood clots, and high blood pressure. One of the medications I’m taking poses a risk for people with a history like my own, so I’m hoping that I don’t get any of the terrible side effects. Meep!

I will probably restart therapy this quarter. I’ll be calling in tomorrow to the office I went to last year to continue treatment. “Treatment.” Like there’s something wrong with me. I was talking to a friend just a few days ago, and I told him that I’m the sacrifice type, that as long as I’m useful to someone in some way I’m fine with being taken advantage of. He told me that that’s a shit ideal, and I completely agree. I’m either going to have to grow out of this mindset or watch myself self destruct. Funny enough, a friend I have is helping me grow out of it by making me realize that no matter how nice you try to be to people, most people will still treat you like assholes.

I have depression. I’ve been avoiding this for a long time, but I can’t avoid it any longer.
(I might even have anxiety mixed in there too.)

I want to be happy. I want to feel the happiness not just in my smile, but seeping deep into myself, to my heart. I want to cry freely, when I’m watching a sad movie, or I’ve just been handed great news. I want to be able to say “no,” not just tell myself that this is all I’m good for, that it’s alright to bend over for other people.

I want to love myself, and spread this love to my friends and family, to the girl who just bought a textbook from me, to the upperclassman who games with me sometimes, even to the people who don’t care about my feelings when they say hurtful things… I’d like to be able to look back at myself ten years from now and say, “I’m a different person now,” and look at the past in fondness.

“I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

 

SFO —> SAN

wpid-snapchat-2887326718465324321.jpgAs I sit here at gate 54A, around the Virgin America gates, I am suddenly reluctant to go back to SD for one reason: SD International Airport is the equivalent of what comes out my other end after food poisoning and three onions (not that I’ve experienced that).

Also, people here are really fancy. The ways they dress reek of money.

*tries to inhale as much air as I can* GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!!!

My friend told me that I’m rich for having yakiniku three times in two weeks. It’s probably an exaggeration, but I felt a vein twitch at that: how is that expensive? First time I had it, my friend was with me and we each paid $24. Second time was with coworker, and our total was $30, so $15 each. Today, I had $93 (tip added) with my parents, who were very concerned as to whether I was full or not. (Mom, after a bowl of rice, 6 plates of meat, I am most definitely full (of shit))

No, I don’t think that really means “rich,” though compared to many other people in the world, I probably am.

When I saw that text, I went “uh-huh…” with the yeah/sure attitude because she has bags worth three digits and all.

YOU’RE ONE TO TALK!!

Okay, enough ranting. I’m sometimes compared to Martin Freeman, with all the frustrations I have pent up within me. *proceeds to sing Let It Go, full Technicolor and all in the middle of the airport, in my head…*

I have to admit, Virgin is expensive, but the waiting areas are so comfortable and the service is just great. I hope I’ll always be able to fly Virgin…

It’s 6:51pm, and I believe boarding time is 7:25.

The countdown to boarding time is excruciating. I’m nervous about returning to SD, yet I’m really excited at the same time? (Haha, the friend I’m meeting up with tomorrow probably disagrees with me though.)

It’s one minute before 7pm, and I’m ready to stuff my surface into my bag and walk into the plane…if they would let me!

Funny side note: I have this one friend at UOP, and our only form of communication is through Snapchat. ONLY snapchat.

7:04pm – When will I board my plane and get back to the dorms? I have an 8am class tomorrow…

7:10pm -Time to go get some water for the flight. Goodbye!

 

Lets leave behind 2014 for something better…

There are so many things I’d like to say, but I won’t be posting anything before week one of college ends. (I’m bad with promises, but I think we can all agree that this is one promise I won’t break. Probably.)

Tomorrow, I leave behind my friends and family and head off to the next two parts of school, where I will undoubtedly have to make some important changes to my current lifestyle.

Right now, I’m just highly motivated by my friends around me who are extremely passionate and goal-driven. I feel slightly guilty standing besides them because, well, I’ve got pretty much nothing in comparison? Yes, I know I shouldn’t compare myself to anyone else, but I want to be able to stand by my friends’ sides with pride, and not be the pathetic self I am.

Even if I'm a small tea candle, I'm still useful! (First candlelit dinner, I really need to relearn my dining etiquette)

Even if I’m a small tea candle, I’m still useful! (First candlelit dinner, I really need to relearn my dining etiquette)

And if all fails, I can just work here…

This is legit.

This is legit.

A Review of 2014

2014 is most definitely my worst year. There are some things that I refuse to say to anyone, but what I can say I’ll list them here:

  • had serious first-degree burns on my face and neck the day before I was supposed to go back to SD for winter break
  • finally got to go off campus for whale festival, gets to see whales and dolphins – then catches worst cold in history, one that kept me in bed for 1 whole week and heavily sick for another week
  • shit happens in March, and I get to experience my first psychiatric emergency
  • begins to confront parents about depression and panic attacks – immediately told that I should keep these things to myself because apparently it’s all my fault (that doesn’t help my therapy)
  • falls off bike, destroys tights and skin of right knee cap
  • wisdom teeth extraction
  • fall quarter shit

I hate 2014. I fucking hate it.

The amount of tears I shed this year is unimaginable, and I hope I never cry as much every again.

But 2014 wasn’t all bad, and here were some things that kept me going:

  • skyping with best friend
  • psych therapy – it helped for a while, until I realized that it’s easier for me to work out my own problems without the judging eyes of a therapist
  • I get back in touch with a good friend and receive some of the best advice I’ve ever been given
  • I finally accept that there’s a problem with how I believe that I deserve to suffer just because
  • I accept and understand that it’s unfair to hold my parents to standards they can’t achieve because of who they are
  • I decide that I want help, and I’m actually going to put effort into getting it

Later today: 2015 wishes