I am slightly scared, but mostly at peace with myself at the moment.
I’ve been thinking about a lot of things: friendships, quality of my relationships with other people, my future, the present…
To be completely honest, I can’t see myself not being slightly depressed for the rest of my life. I don’t think that element’s going to change, and I think it’s fine to be that way too, you know? Things don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to be happy all the time.
One thing that still bothered me for a while was something that a former roommate said to me, that I always made myself to be the victim in any situation.
Only recently have I been able to tell myself firmly that that’s not true. For a long time, I was really terrified. Is this who I really am? Someone who takes advantage of and twists a situation to my benefit by making myself to be the victim? Do I want the pity that people give me?
I am finally able to tell myself that no, I dislike pity (receiving or giving), and it’s absolutely stupid for me to believe that I “make” myself to be the victim in certain situations. I thought about it even more, and it sounded even more disgusting to me. because if I had actually believed that I was “pretending” to be the victim while I was actually suffering from something, then my problems would’ve gone unnoticed. I wouldn’t be able to be treated. It’s essentially the same as having migraines and complaining about that to someone, and being told that it’s just all “in my head” and I shouldn’t use that as an excuse to get out of events and stuff.
I’m also starting to reevaluate the relationships I hold, and starting to see that I can take a step back in some of them. I shouldn’t be telling this person that much if I don’t really trust this person, or if I feel that I’m giving (telling him/her my problems, issues, etc.) too much, I’m going to say less, because well, it’s not that they can’t help with my problems, it’s just that they don’t even know where to being processing the problem and every time I end up with a lot of general advice that I just get really tired of hearing.
And I love that face so much.