Real time: pounding migraine

It’s 4:32am, I’m on my bed after finishing pasta and three episodes of coffee price with my suitemate. For the past four hours, a small headache developed into a pounding, dizzy migraine, and before I sleep, I have to say that I REALLY HATE MIGRAINES AND AT THE MOMENT, I WISH I COULD DIE IN MY SLEEP SO I WON’T EXPERIENCE THIS AGAIN.

I said less saying, but ugh, FUCK THIS!


Another year, 今年もよろしくお願いします

I know it’s not a special day, but today is the anniversary of my site registration, so I thought I’d make a post. I mean, what made me want to register for a random site name anyways?

But first, play this video to go along with the post!

I’m not a daily (or even weekly) blogger, but when I did make a post, I made sure the post was filled with information or interesting thoughts I had. For a while, my blog became a secret base for me; only I knew about it, and no one would ever find me here. It was (still is) a place where I could be who I was, let all my inner frustrations out.

I also wanted to put my life into words for myself to look back upon. It’s absolutely embarrassing, but I can’t help but appreciate the changes that I’ve seen.

When I made the site registration, I felt more real on the internet, that yes, I do exist. It’s really strange and confusing and I definitely think that a lot of people will think that’s silly, but for the me who was alone, being able to type and be redirected here gave me a swell of pride and satisfaction.

It was at least one thing I could call mine.

(No, don’t tell me how it’s actually not mine because Reddit did a very good job of that already, and ugh, figuratively!!)


My counselor’s reaction to my past and my issues:

  • horrified face
  • gasps
  • sniffles
  • “Oh god”

I SWEAR I WAS RAISED IN A RATHER NORMAL HOUSEHOLD. Or well, that’s what I thought. Anyways, went to first appointment today, I don’t know how much this will cost me, I’m tempted to make an appointment with my therapist here in San Diego too, just so that I can have constant access to people who can provide help on what I can do with my life.

I feel a bit better though, now that I know that currently I just mostly have to deal with my anxiety.

I’ll get better.

January – Wow!

[Before I begin, I’d like to mention that I was actually working on a post about Myers Briggs types, but apparently WordPress didn’t autosave my draft for me, I’m not sure if I’ll go back on that 2000~3000 word draft…Thank you to all the friends who were willing to take the test for me and provide me with feedback on their type!]

January was (is?) a crazy ride.

I started on three medications in two different forms (pills, ointment), I’m seriously reconsidering restarting therapy, I fall out of a little crush I had…Less than 4 weeks into this year and I have a feeling 2015 will be interesting for sure.

There are things I don’t want to say yet because unfortunately, I’m still not sure how I feel about it, and that I don’t feel safe enough to say it yet. I will! Just not today, and probably not the first half of this year.

I haven’t been feeling well. Physically and emotionally. I wake up most mornings feeling like I have a fever, I get migraines even more often now (second bottle of advil…), and I was just told that my dad’s family has a history of strokes, blood clots, and high blood pressure. One of the medications I’m taking poses a risk for people with a history like my own, so I’m hoping that I don’t get any of the terrible side effects. Meep!

I will probably restart therapy this quarter. I’ll be calling in tomorrow to the office I went to last year to continue treatment. “Treatment.” Like there’s something wrong with me. I was talking to a friend just a few days ago, and I told him that I’m the sacrifice type, that as long as I’m useful to someone in some way I’m fine with being taken advantage of. He told me that that’s a shit ideal, and I completely agree. I’m either going to have to grow out of this mindset or watch myself self destruct. Funny enough, a friend I have is helping me grow out of it by making me realize that no matter how nice you try to be to people, most people will still treat you like assholes.

I have depression. I’ve been avoiding this for a long time, but I can’t avoid it any longer.
(I might even have anxiety mixed in there too.)

I want to be happy. I want to feel the happiness not just in my smile, but seeping deep into myself, to my heart. I want to cry freely, when I’m watching a sad movie, or I’ve just been handed great news. I want to be able to say “no,” not just tell myself that this is all I’m good for, that it’s alright to bend over for other people.

I want to love myself, and spread this love to my friends and family, to the girl who just bought a textbook from me, to the upperclassman who games with me sometimes, even to the people who don’t care about my feelings when they say hurtful things… I’d like to be able to look back at myself ten years from now and say, “I’m a different person now,” and look at the past in fondness.

“I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”



wpid-snapchat-2887326718465324321.jpgAs I sit here at gate 54A, around the Virgin America gates, I am suddenly reluctant to go back to SD for one reason: SD International Airport is the equivalent of what comes out my other end after food poisoning and three onions (not that I’ve experienced that).

Also, people here are really fancy. The ways they dress reek of money.

*tries to inhale as much air as I can* GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!!!

My friend told me that I’m rich for having yakiniku three times in two weeks. It’s probably an exaggeration, but I felt a vein twitch at that: how is that expensive? First time I had it, my friend was with me and we each paid $24. Second time was with coworker, and our total was $30, so $15 each. Today, I had $93 (tip added) with my parents, who were very concerned as to whether I was full or not. (Mom, after a bowl of rice, 6 plates of meat, I am most definitely full (of shit))

No, I don’t think that really means “rich,” though compared to many other people in the world, I probably am.

When I saw that text, I went “uh-huh…” with the yeah/sure attitude because she has bags worth three digits and all.


Okay, enough ranting. I’m sometimes compared to Martin Freeman, with all the frustrations I have pent up within me. *proceeds to sing Let It Go, full Technicolor and all in the middle of the airport, in my head…*

I have to admit, Virgin is expensive, but the waiting areas are so comfortable and the service is just great. I hope I’ll always be able to fly Virgin…

It’s 6:51pm, and I believe boarding time is 7:25.

The countdown to boarding time is excruciating. I’m nervous about returning to SD, yet I’m really excited at the same time? (Haha, the friend I’m meeting up with tomorrow probably disagrees with me though.)

It’s one minute before 7pm, and I’m ready to stuff my surface into my bag and walk into the plane…if they would let me!

Funny side note: I have this one friend at UOP, and our only form of communication is through Snapchat. ONLY snapchat.

7:04pm – When will I board my plane and get back to the dorms? I have an 8am class tomorrow…

7:10pm -Time to go get some water for the flight. Goodbye!


Lets leave behind 2014 for something better…

There are so many things I’d like to say, but I won’t be posting anything before week one of college ends. (I’m bad with promises, but I think we can all agree that this is one promise I won’t break. Probably.)

Tomorrow, I leave behind my friends and family and head off to the next two parts of school, where I will undoubtedly have to make some important changes to my current lifestyle.

Right now, I’m just highly motivated by my friends around me who are extremely passionate and goal-driven. I feel slightly guilty standing besides them because, well, I’ve got pretty much nothing in comparison? Yes, I know I shouldn’t compare myself to anyone else, but I want to be able to stand by my friends’ sides with pride, and not be the pathetic self I am.

Even if I'm a small tea candle, I'm still useful! (First candlelit dinner, I really need to relearn my dining etiquette)

Even if I’m a small tea candle, I’m still useful! (First candlelit dinner, I really need to relearn my dining etiquette)

And if all fails, I can just work here…

This is legit.

This is legit.

A Review of 2014

2014 is most definitely my worst year. There are some things that I refuse to say to anyone, but what I can say I’ll list them here:

  • had serious first-degree burns on my face and neck the day before I was supposed to go back to SD for winter break
  • finally got to go off campus for whale festival, gets to see whales and dolphins – then catches worst cold in history, one that kept me in bed for 1 whole week and heavily sick for another week
  • shit happens in March, and I get to experience my first psychiatric emergency
  • begins to confront parents about depression and panic attacks – immediately told that I should keep these things to myself because apparently it’s all my fault (that doesn’t help my therapy)
  • falls off bike, destroys tights and skin of right knee cap
  • wisdom teeth extraction
  • fall quarter shit

I hate 2014. I fucking hate it.

The amount of tears I shed this year is unimaginable, and I hope I never cry as much every again.

But 2014 wasn’t all bad, and here were some things that kept me going:

  • skyping with best friend
  • psych therapy – it helped for a while, until I realized that it’s easier for me to work out my own problems without the judging eyes of a therapist
  • I get back in touch with a good friend and receive some of the best advice I’ve ever been given
  • I finally accept that there’s a problem with how I believe that I deserve to suffer just because
  • I accept and understand that it’s unfair to hold my parents to standards they can’t achieve because of who they are
  • I decide that I want help, and I’m actually going to put effort into getting it

Later today: 2015 wishes



2015 has to be better than 2014

I think 2014 is officially my worst year. No kidding.

Two colds(one that kept me in bed for a whole week), two ER visits, etc. etc.

Now that we’re 5 days away from the end of the year, I can finally ask: what are you looking forward to in 2015?

I have a feeling that students may say better gpa, internships, time to sleep, but how about people who support themselves? And families?

Regardless of what you want and what 2015 will bring you, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you a happy and productive year with many joyous events and celebrations. Be happy and healthy.

PS: What did you get yourself for Christmas? (If you didn’t get yourself anything, I hope you treat yourself to at least a cup of coffee if you can afford it because everyone deserves something. I don’t think 2014 was a good year for most people.)

…Was 2014 a good year for you? Even if you say yes, I’m still very happy for you! Just because I was partially miserable doesn’t mean I’d ever wish for you to be miserable too. If it wasn’t good for you, I sincerely hope that 2015 will be a much better year for you, and to all of you: good night, and I hope you spend the rest of 2014 with at least a small spark of hope and loved ones at your side.

SD Airport

Edit: My final departure time was 9pm. Originally 5:35pm. #fml

As the past 18 days indicate, I’m a terrible blogger. (Can’t keep my own promises…)

I’m actually at the airport, typing away as I mull over the fact that my flight has been delayed by 2 hours, and that I won’t actually get to eat dinner with my parents, that I’m stuck here for the next 2 hours, doing nothing.

Coming early wasn’t entirely bad though; traffic was terrible and it honestly took about an hour to get here. TSA took another 30 minutes, and while I was in line, a lot of people started showing up, and I’m glad I didn’t persuade myself to leave later because I might’ve possibly missed my flight (unless it’s delayed again, please no). Traffic was surprisingly smooth, and car ride was very pleasant. I’m really sorry I didn’t have enough money to tip my driver – had one twenty, five ones, and one five. Her charge was $10 for the ride, so it was either giving her a 100% tip or exact change. I’m not rich enough to donate that much yet, so I chickened out and gave her only $10.

San Diego Intl Airport sucks. I can’t help but think of Narita Intl, SFO, heck, even LAX is better. It is a small airport, but the fact that my gate (25) doesn’t even have seats really sucks.

That level of fail disappoints me greatly.

Oh, someone’s got really yummy food a few seats to my left. It smells absolutely amazing, and if it were not for the promise of good food at home, I’d probably jump him and fight him for food.

I’m not sitting near a plug, and that’s making me extremely paranoid about my battery level, even though Surface is telling me that the tablet has 99% and the keyboard has 93% left.

Gods, the food smells amazing and I’m really freaking hungry and gah, all the wants. I guess I’ll just settle for the nature valley bar that I brought with me… #notfood

And OH GODS, I took one bite of my bar and the crumbs fly everywhere onto my keyboard, and now some are hiding in the cracks between the keys…I glared at my bar, and now I’m biting into the crunchy goodness with a bit more force than necessary…will karma bite me in my butt?

Dear gods, keyboard battery is down to 90%. Have mercy, please!

(If you haven’t noticed, my panic grows exponentially for each percent my tech loses.)

INTERRUPTION: They just said that our flight might be delayed until 8pm. I DEMAND SOME KIND OF COMPENSATION FOR THIS, VIRGIN. No, seriously, this is my first time experiencing delays like these and if it’s not going to be here until 8, I might actually have to go buy food because I’m actually feeling a little dizzy. (Keep in mind that my last legitimate meal with protein and veggies and soup was…Wednesday night, I believe. Ugh. Food. Delays. Why.

I wish airports had napping corners where you could nap for $5, $10 an hour or something. Don’t they have those beehive hotels in Japan that are extremely cheap and all?

Great, even my 4G isn’t working in this hell hole. Time to play some fire emblem and marry off some folks.